I guess I am back. but a little more broken and a lot more pissed. interested to see what i can create out of the pain and anger that i now feel. the betrayal.....a new chapter.

tell me it's over. i'll still love you the same. but i cant keep playin these games. tell me it's over, i dont want you to hurt. but that's all i can say, so i'll be on my way. whats the point of stickin it thru, trying and trying, chance after chance. if the end result will be the same. i dont think i can trust in you. have faith in us. you took that away when you told me you didnt want me over and over again. without a thought. without regard to the consequences. to the damage you cause me and mine. you rip my heart out. you lie. i cant depend on you. rely on your word. know in my heart that we will be together in the end. the long haul. the kinda love you know that you just have. you dont know why, how. but you know. you feel it.

i dont know what i feel now. obviously i love you. but i am sad...broken. lost and confused. could it ever be the same? could i love you the same? could i ever trust in you again? in your word as a man? so many questions....

and you see. this is not just me. this is what i cherish most too. i ahve to think about them for before you. put them and their needs first. i cant and wont play with their hearts. take you away and bring you back. we cant keep doing this. it isnt fair....they love you too much. unconditional. the kind that doesnt question.

and you were willing to give that up. give them up. for fucking what. NOTHING..fuck that they deserve better than that.

and like i told you. i will take you out before you take them or their heart. mark my words.

Fuck you and your ability to make me love you so much. to depend on you for my very breathe. to have my life revolve around you. and then in an instant your gone. and for what. nothing. some bullshit you made up at the spur of the moment. did you think i was faking when i said i would die for you. did you think i was faking when i said i wanted to spend my life with you. there is nothing left. i am gone. barely breathing. barely even human enough to function. i fucking needed you and you turned your back on me. became everything i fucking hate. i despise your very existance. curse what you stand for. the ground you walk on. I spit in your face for everything you promised me and failed to deliver. i turn my back now. i'll forget everything you meant to me. every memory i used to hold close to my heart. I'll forget every special moment, every embrace. every kiss shared. i'll forget your face, the way it felt when you held me, the caress of your hand. I'll forget you ever existed.

Did I not tell you my life. my story. my pain. did i not tell you not to fuck with me. not to play me for a fool. i play the fool again. why? because i trusted in you. in us. in the life we were supposedly building. in the fact that you loved me. I let go. the walls fell. to let you in. to let you love me. to let myself love you in return. and this is what i get. this is what i deserve.

Fuck you. thats all i can say. and now i walk away. from you. from us. from anything we could have been.....

"so damn girl...u are looking good!  i miss u, believe it or not.  i have been thinking about u quite a bit lately.  i maybe shouldnt, i just cant help it.  you are etched in my mind and i see u in my dreams more often than not...good dreams by the way.  i dont know, i mean...i dont want to play with your head at all...im here u are there....i will most likely be back to visit family this summer.  maybe i can look u up when i arive.  i will be coming myself, so time is going to be plentiful.  hmmmmmmmmm...."

I sometimes feel like a steak being dangled in front of a bunch of rabid and crazed dogs. the funny thing though, if you can call it that, is that i really dont find myself that attractive, likeable, lovable....The thoughts of myself come no where close to what some have said and I still ask myself everyday why i am the way i am. why i look the way i do. why i feel the way i do. I feel cheap, even used. and those words came from a person i cared about a couple years ago, if that.... he goes away. and then he comes back. i really have no interest. desire. to be someone's toy. something discardable when the time has come.

the transformation of me. check out the pics.